Suddenly I see...

A blockmate of mine and I were about to receive our third long test for Bio Lec when she said “Mendi pag yan ok na naman, ibig sabihin meant to be ka na talaga dito” and as I received my score which was considerably better than what I expected, I was given the sign that maybe I am actually meant for this.

Looking back at around June of 2012, I had all my doubts and intuitions with regards to the university and course that I will be a part of. I was so unsure, scared and somewhat disheartened to start the race of my supposedly “pre-med” life. I was pretty sure that once this year ends, I will find a way to shift, if not to another school, maybe to another course but then, the academic year started and things have changed.

The start of the year was pretty rough, so to speak. I was faced with subjects that I thought were beyond my reach, with people that I barely knew and with professors that barely passed the students who were under them, even the most terror ones as they said. But somehow somewhere, I found a way to compromise. I learned to use these negativities as tools for me to cope up with college. I had to sacrifice tons of things like normal weekday afterschool hangouts and internet time in order for me to focus on such subjects. I learned to open myself to all the differences of the people around me and I learned to push myself to study even harder when professors are said to be “terror” and in the end, I did realize that it is not as bad as I thought of…that lately my life as a Biology student is actually pretty good. Despite the numerous sleepless nights, heavy-duty eyebags and missed gimmicks, at the end of the day, I found myself happy. I was in a totally new world from what I was used to and I am ready to explore this world. Although there are still days wherein I would get jealous with the fact that some of my friends get to hang out on a normal weekday basis, and I only had weekends and holidays with them…I saw myself balancing the situation. At some point, I realized that maybe I was actually destined for this, that God had His own ways of putting me in a place wherein I could actually really nurture my being.

Back in June of 2012, I had a hundred reasons for me to shift and change the course of path in my college life, but upon finishing first semester, I had a thousand reasons to stay and continue with this journey. I learned to love the intense amount of scientific words to memorize, the numerous glass slides that I had to picture in my mind, the never-ending arguments of philosophy, and even the voices of professors that scare the hell out of me especially on Tuesdays and Thursdays…most of all, I learned that being open to all the differences would actually lead me to meeting some of the best people I have ever met in my life yet and “…suddenly I see, this is what I want to be”

Ms. Independent

 “Girls Can Do Anything” used to be the title of my favorite book back in Grade 1. It was a Barbie book epitomizing the power of women to actually do fields that are often dominated by men. I enjoyed every page of that book, believing that somewhere, someday I would also be an epitome of the women independence, and somehow I was not wrong.

I have always been associated with independence, although not strictly talking about independence from my parents, but at least as an individual. I have always thought of myself as someone who would and could be happy without the need of a compliment. I loved finding stuff on my own and exploring places, thinking that my happiness never depended on anyone else but myself. I had a way of somewhat manipulating how my day went and how I could easily just control my feelings and turn my day upside down. I believed for the longest of time that my motto would be “mind over matter”…think before you act, think before you feel and think before anything goes wrong.  My friends also joked about it most of the time that I could make it out there on my own, but maybe that is where things are actually wrong.

Sometimes there are certain events in one’s life, wherein the mind just cannot seem to surpass matter, that somewhat the matter seems to take control and no matter how hard I try…sometimes matter does matter. So I guess Ms. Independent is not as independent as people think, maybe she needs some help as well. If superman has his own kryptonite then, I also have my own weaknesses. I guess it is only a matter of acceptance that I do have weaknesses, and that maybe I am scared that “ I am holding on a thin, thin thread”, that I actually need. It is not that I am sad or what, it is just that I guess, I need my own “security blanket” as well…at least someone who would never get tired of listening to my endless rants and my endless overthinking thoughts. I just do hope that whoever you are reading this, you won’t get tired of it…cause indeed, Ms. Independent is not as independent as she may seem.

Heart VS Mind

“You keep telling yourself that until you actually believe it"

My mom and I were having a girl-to-girl talk about relationships and as such until my usual overthinking mind, started being inquisitive with thoughts such as: what if you are tired already? What if your mind and your heart’s in a constant argument between on who to follow? What if you do not really know what to do and where to go? It is such a long list of what ifs that made me have the urge to actually start blogging…just to have some sort of “my-own-little-corner” wherein I would actually be free enough to say what I think and what I feel, which then leads to my very first topic…the heart vs the mind.

The human body is composed of cells, tissues and organs but the human life is composed of thoughts, feelings, ideas and experiences. The human heart supplies blood, oxygen and mainly life throughout the body but more than its biological function, it is assigned a much heavier list of tasks. The human heart is responsible of premature ventricular contractions that occur whenever some sort of ecstasy occurs when a person feels special, moreover loved. It is responsible for holding up emotions that cannot be expressed through the eyes or through the mouth. It is responsible for all the bottled up emotions that do not know when to release themselves. So the heart actually appears to be extremely amazing despite its size compared to all the other organs..but then comes the mind, the peculiar, often busy and usual foe of the heart. The mind that is responsible for questioning the feelings of the heart. It is responsible for all the memories and experiences that are worthy enough of remembering, but it is rarely in good terms with the heart.

A lot of people would say that the heart and the mind should work together, so that good decisions are made, but what if most of the time, they do not meet each other’s expectations? What if the heart cannot feel what the mind is made to believe? The mind chooses the memories that are worthy of remembering but the heart remembers the feelings involved with each memory, the essence, the aura of every little moment. The mind constantly reminds a person of what he or she should be doing and what he or she should believe, but the heart questions the mind and often chooses to go astray. Indeed, the confusion is a never-ending cycle up until questions are answered, expectations are met and beliefs are made into reality. The never-ending argument of the mind and the heart may be tiring at times. It may lead one to insanity and it may even question one’s faith, but in rare cases…rare, special and important cases the mind meets the feelings of the heart and the heart meets the beliefs of the mind, and in cases as such, the person is only left with one thing to do…and that leads to action, but until then it is either the  mind is forced to follow the heart because, it has not made a right decision yet or the heart is made to believe something that it cannot take, because it is the only choice left.