"I Don't Know"

I don’t know.

What do you want?

“I don’t know”

Who do you like?

“I don’t know.”

What’s your plan?

“I don’t know.”

People say when faced with two choices, simply toss a coin.  “It works not because it settles the question for you but because in that brief moment, when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for.” but I need not toss any coin because I know. The truth is, I have known for quite sometime. I know what I want, it is just that I am scared if what I want is what is right for me. The truth is, people know what they want, it is just the fear of rejection, failure, and loss of passion that makes them say “ I don’t know”, because with “I don’t know” everything is safe, because with “I don’t know”, no one really knows but yourself, because with “I don’t know” the uncertainty masks the reality.

Behind every “I don’t know” is  “I know but I am just scared” or “ I know but it will never happen” or maybe “ I know but this is not right for me” but the truth is, how will anyone really know if every truth had to hide behind the three words, because sometimes it is what it is and we settle for “I don’t know” because there is no exact explanation for what we feel, because not even ourselves can explain what we feel.

But the truth is, I have been waiting for the day that I get to say “ I know” because it has always been there, just never spoken, because I want to lay it all down, be fearless for once and take the risk…because I know, and I have known for quite some time.  Because the “what ifs” and the “should haves” have been eating my brain because I had to hide the “I know”s with “ I don’t know” s, because the truth is I never really stepped out of my comfort zone and I do not want to regret things in the end and I get tired of waiting. I get tired of waiting for something or someone to really push me to say  “I know” because I have always known,  I was just not brave enough to say it.

I need not toss a coin nor do I need that moment to know what I am hoping for…because I already know, and I have known for quite some time.

Game-changer 2015

            My friend and I promised ourselves that 2015 will be different, and not the usual “new-year-new-me” type of different, that in 2015 we will start opening doors for greater possibilities. We will start opening our minds to the thought, that maybe, just maybe things have not exactly worked out for us, because the problem was within us and not with the people around us, but what exactly do I want to change in my game, or perhaps, what game am I even talking about?

            Game-changer 2015 for me, was more of a tangible idea, perhaps a person who would turn things around for me, make me want to slow down from all the hustle and bustle of work and appreciate the small stuff. Maybe game-changer 2015 meant a re-route from the usual paths I take or someone who would make me think twice about the idea that maybe two is indeed, better than one, but nevertheless, it was all too vague, too broad. I was in a constant battle between “do I really want this?” and “do I need this?”, though the two may be intensely similar, the thin line between wanting something and needing something still exists, and the thin line drives me crazy.

            Need, according to the dictionary is “to require something because it is essential or very important”. Want, on the other hand, meant, “having the desire to possess or do something”, but why can’t needs and wants be put together in one perfect idea, and make everything else less of a hassle? Maybe the problem is I. Maybe I do not really know what I want as of now, or maybe these are pre-whatever jitters that bug me cause I am always going to be scared of outcomes and possibilities, that despite fear being a false evidence that appears to be real, it still exists and will continue to exist, until I truly open the door. Maybe my door of possibilities is just slightly opened, just like how hotel doors have those chain locks that let you open, and get a glimpse of what is inside, but not entirely open for everyone to see what is inside. Maybe I do not even know what game I am exactly referring to when I said that I am ready for game-changer 2015.

            BUT… despite all the confusions and unanswered questions I have in mind, I know that gradually I will get all the answers. I will eventually find the perfect combination of wants and needs, whether it may be about life decisions or matters of the heart… I know that I will be ready and maybe that is why people say,  “don’t push it” because the real ones will come falling right in our arms when we least expect it and that the things that we will want (and need at the same time), won’t check any of the things we listed them to be. That maybe we have been fooling ourselves with the idea of what we really want and need, because nobody really knows it, until it is right in front of them, going beyond our norms and expectations. The truth is, it all seems a little to bizarre, just cause this is me,and to everyone out there experiencing this, this is us, trying to figure out ourselves, and though there may be some sense of urgency now, anything worth having is worth waiting for. Maybe, just maybe… I am not looking for a game-changer, I am looking for the right game to begin with.