"I Don't Know"

I don’t know.

What do you want?

“I don’t know”

Who do you like?

“I don’t know.”

What’s your plan?

“I don’t know.”

People say when faced with two choices, simply toss a coin.  “It works not because it settles the question for you but because in that brief moment, when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for.” but I need not toss any coin because I know. The truth is, I have known for quite sometime. I know what I want, it is just that I am scared if what I want is what is right for me. The truth is, people know what they want, it is just the fear of rejection, failure, and loss of passion that makes them say “ I don’t know”, because with “I don’t know” everything is safe, because with “I don’t know”, no one really knows but yourself, because with “I don’t know” the uncertainty masks the reality.

Behind every “I don’t know” is  “I know but I am just scared” or “ I know but it will never happen” or maybe “ I know but this is not right for me” but the truth is, how will anyone really know if every truth had to hide behind the three words, because sometimes it is what it is and we settle for “I don’t know” because there is no exact explanation for what we feel, because not even ourselves can explain what we feel.

But the truth is, I have been waiting for the day that I get to say “ I know” because it has always been there, just never spoken, because I want to lay it all down, be fearless for once and take the risk…because I know, and I have known for quite some time.  Because the “what ifs” and the “should haves” have been eating my brain because I had to hide the “I know”s with “ I don’t know” s, because the truth is I never really stepped out of my comfort zone and I do not want to regret things in the end and I get tired of waiting. I get tired of waiting for something or someone to really push me to say  “I know” because I have always known,  I was just not brave enough to say it.

I need not toss a coin nor do I need that moment to know what I am hoping for…because I already know, and I have known for quite some time.

Game-changer 2015

            My friend and I promised ourselves that 2015 will be different, and not the usual “new-year-new-me” type of different, that in 2015 we will start opening doors for greater possibilities. We will start opening our minds to the thought, that maybe, just maybe things have not exactly worked out for us, because the problem was within us and not with the people around us, but what exactly do I want to change in my game, or perhaps, what game am I even talking about?

            Game-changer 2015 for me, was more of a tangible idea, perhaps a person who would turn things around for me, make me want to slow down from all the hustle and bustle of work and appreciate the small stuff. Maybe game-changer 2015 meant a re-route from the usual paths I take or someone who would make me think twice about the idea that maybe two is indeed, better than one, but nevertheless, it was all too vague, too broad. I was in a constant battle between “do I really want this?” and “do I need this?”, though the two may be intensely similar, the thin line between wanting something and needing something still exists, and the thin line drives me crazy.

            Need, according to the dictionary is “to require something because it is essential or very important”. Want, on the other hand, meant, “having the desire to possess or do something”, but why can’t needs and wants be put together in one perfect idea, and make everything else less of a hassle? Maybe the problem is I. Maybe I do not really know what I want as of now, or maybe these are pre-whatever jitters that bug me cause I am always going to be scared of outcomes and possibilities, that despite fear being a false evidence that appears to be real, it still exists and will continue to exist, until I truly open the door. Maybe my door of possibilities is just slightly opened, just like how hotel doors have those chain locks that let you open, and get a glimpse of what is inside, but not entirely open for everyone to see what is inside. Maybe I do not even know what game I am exactly referring to when I said that I am ready for game-changer 2015.

            BUT… despite all the confusions and unanswered questions I have in mind, I know that gradually I will get all the answers. I will eventually find the perfect combination of wants and needs, whether it may be about life decisions or matters of the heart… I know that I will be ready and maybe that is why people say,  “don’t push it” because the real ones will come falling right in our arms when we least expect it and that the things that we will want (and need at the same time), won’t check any of the things we listed them to be. That maybe we have been fooling ourselves with the idea of what we really want and need, because nobody really knows it, until it is right in front of them, going beyond our norms and expectations. The truth is, it all seems a little to bizarre, just cause this is me,and to everyone out there experiencing this, this is us, trying to figure out ourselves, and though there may be some sense of urgency now, anything worth having is worth waiting for. Maybe, just maybe… I am not looking for a game-changer, I am looking for the right game to begin with.

Letting Go

“To live in this world

You must be able

To do three things.

To love what is mortal,

To hold it

Against your bones knowing

Your own life depends on it

And, when the time comes to let it go,

To let it go”

People often confuse letting go with forgetting, when in fact, a thin line between the two exists. It is as if buying that red balloon you have wanted for weeks and wanting to hold on to it forever, but knowing that the balloon will eventually pop, but still hoping that it won’t. It is as if hoping that before the balloon flies away, you get to hold the thread for one last time, and secretly hoping that somehow it gets tangled in one of your fingers, secretly hoping that it won’t slip away. People say that part of letting go is forgetting, but I say part of letting go is accepting.

Acceptance takes a lot of courage.  It takes an adequate amount of bravery and trust to accept that no matter how difficult the coming changes will be, storms do not last forever. It is in accepting the fact that even if the red balloon flies away or pops eventually, it already served its purpose in your life. Acceptance is stopping the doubts, the fears, the wonders, and the worries, because things may not work out the way you always planned them to be, but things will work out the way they are meant to be.  Acceptance entails a lot of understanding, because not all the why’s will get answers but the why’s will eventually compensate and compromise to understand what is happening now, not why is this happening now. 

Letting go is not forgetting. Letting go is leaving what is unnecessary behind, and carrying what is essential in our hearts. It is not putting the blame on anyone for something that went wrong; rather it is being appreciative of the time spent together. Letting go is being happy for the other, and it is in being happy for the other, that we start to become happy with what we already have. It is not letting all the bitterness steal away the sweetness; rather it is opening ourselves to what might be a possible source of new happiness.

Letting go is setting our hearts free. It is knowing that our main purpose in life is to love with all that we can, while we can, to hold on to things that are essential, and let go when it is time to let go because we own no one in this world, and it is in setting free that we learn to grow.

Agliophobia

Agliophobia

“Know this it’s a universal truth, that people let you down”

Pain is nothing new to human beings. In fact, it is something felt every single day. May it be from accidentally touching something pointy, being scratched by some rough surface, or being pinched by a friend who is always in “gigil” mode whenever he or she sees something funny, but what about the pain the brings about fear, the pain that can be too much to handle that eventually it brings about agliophobia?

Agliophobia is known to be the fear of pain, although it comes natural for some people to actually have the said phobia, I believe that there is some kind of truth behind some other fears. It may be due to past experiences or maybe a traumatic experience that brought about the fear, but I think one of the most painful things that human can ever experience is when other people let you down. Most especially when it happens way to often, or maybe it happened once but it was such a big hit that eventually, whatever comes next, comes hand in hand with fear.

Truth is, I am afraid of being let down. I am afraid of the slightest possibility that once I stop smiling, people will eventually leave, that maybe they like the crazy side of me, but what about the sensitive me? What about the part of me that tries so hard to hide in the shadows, just cause I am afraid that I might be too much to handle for some? I am afraid that maybe there are those that will eventually get tired of me. But I know, that I am not the only one out there. Truth is we are all afraid. Maybe some are more afraid than the others, but in the end, we all have something we are afraid of.

We are afraid of opening ourselves to other people, because the truth is not everyone cares. A lot are curious, but only some really care. We’re afraid that once they discover the flaws, they will turn their backs on us, because apparently, we are not as perfect as we may seem. We are afraid that our failure may be too much for them to handle, and not only our failures, but maybe ourselves alone may be too much to handle. We are afraid, that once our doors open to them, we will have a hard time once they leave it. Because once a person becomes a part of your system, it will be hard to rearrange everything once they decide that their time in your space is enough already.

We are afraid that we will never be enough, that eventually people will look for more, and maybe they are looking for something you cannot give. You know how celebrities lose their fame in a minute, we’re afraid that like those celebrities, our “time” will eventually pass, and sooner or later we will have to be replaced.

We are afraid, because the truth is forever happens only to those who are considered to be exceptions to the rule, and that life is a cycle, wherein people will eventually leave, and no matter how hard we try to avoid goodbye’s, they will eventually happen.

We become so afraid of so many things, that we eventually build walls, walls too high that it will take someone with super powers or Rapunzel’s hair for someone to actually climb over or break them. We put our defenses up, because maybe we are better off that way. We become so scared, that eventually we avoid taking risks, stay in the safe zone, just to avoid the pain.

Despite the fear, and all the defenses, I still believe that someday someone will understand. Someone who will be patient enough to accept all the flaws, and love you even more because of them. Someone who will be brave enough to break your walls, no matter how tough the process may be. Someone who will tirelessly understand the truth behind your fears, and make you brave enough to believe that all the other pains, can be healed. Maybe you will get mad, furious even, along the process because the person will try too hard, but someone will try, and someone will break your walls and make you believe again. When that day comes, be fearful of losing the chance, not of getting hurt again, because pain is part of life, and truth is no matter how deep the wounds may be, they will all become scars eventually.

Worth The Wait

Why it will be worth the wait?

“True love waits” ..definitely some cliché line everyone’s heard of. Maybe from some tv show, movie, song or maybe another blog, but the truth is waiting is easier said than done. The truth is, waiting sort of sucks. It sucks because it has no guarantee. It has no deadline, and most of time we do not even know what we are waiting for. Will it be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow or perhaps another wrong turn? But despite the downside of waiting, I still strongly believe that “it” will be worth the wait.

It will be worth the wait because the real one will be easy. It will be easy because things will fall into place, things will feel right. Not perfect, but easy. It will be easy because every other wrong turn will make sense, and they will make sense because the right turn will show you why. It will not be a guessing game, but more of an easy game of hide and seek because when you find the one, the game will be over.

It will be worth the wait because it will be more than enough. You will feel more than enough, because somewhere out there someone will consider you to be enough.  No need for adjustments, no need for alterations, because like Cinderella’s shoe, you two will fit together perfectly. You will be enough because you need not explain everything, sometimes you just understand. You will be enough because the person will not ask you to change, rather you would help each other improve, but not change. It will be worth the wait because the mere thought of sitting beside each other, with no words uttered will be satisfying already, because whatever you have may not be explained, but it will be worthy.

It will be worth the wait because it is not something halfway there. It will not be an alternate route you chose to take just cause the other routes did not work. It will be the route you chose to take because it felt right, and not for the mean time but for the long run. It will not be an option, because it will be the choice. No confusions, no maybe’s, no “this could work for now, no pressure”…it will be worth the wait because it will be direct to the point, straight to heart…cheesy but true.

It will be worth the wait because eventually you will feel the like the waiting was indeed worth it. You will feel like you never even waited at all, because somehow, somewhere the timing worked out, sparks flew, and you found a match. It will be worth the wait because fear still exists, but a bigger reason does. The bigger reason that will allow you to let go of all your inhibitions, because this time, there may be no guarantees still…but you will know it. You’ll just know it because despite the doubts, you chose to make a decision, and this time it is not a “maybe”.

Truth is, waiting sucks. Waiting sucks because no one knows how long does a person have to wait…and the truth is, who am I to know why it will be worth the wait, cause like everyone else, I am still waiting. But somehow, somewhere I know the stars will eventually align and when I find the real deal.. I will eventually say that the waiting was indeed worth it! 

Kaleidoscope

People know me. I have always been that furious ball of energy, always ready, always so eager to participate, contribute, and have never been afraid of showcasing my talents.

People know me. I love to sing. I find comfort in music, and in music I get to sing the words I am too afraid to utter.  When all else fails, I believe music never falters.

People know me. I have big ideas, and bigger dreams. I aim to be someone who will eventually embark on the lives of other people.  Secretly hoping, that despite my imperfections, I will be a bigger and better person someday, even if I may appear to be little.

People know me. I love adventures and unplanned nights. I love hanging out with my buddies and staying up late. I do not believe in the idea of “right timing”, but I believe in fate.

People think they know me. They think I am everything they can already see, but I am more to what meets the eye. I am beyond my very own smile; I am just a girl waiting for her moment to fly.

People think they know me. People think that I rarely commit mistakes, that I always take a step forward, that I am some sort of Jack of all trades, but did they see the real me when the lights turn down and the music starts to fade?

People think they know me. They think that my music and my writing are my excuses for nights of melancholy; little did they know that these are my avenues of self-expression, because there are things I cannot express and I’d rather leave them at that, and let them be.

People think they know me, that I am the Mendi that everyone can see, but do they know that I am a living kaleidoscope?

People don’t know that I am a kaleidoscope. That with every twist and turn life has to offer, I show my colors. I try to see the good things in the worst ones, and believe that no matter what happens in life, tomorrow will always offer something new. Tomorrow will always offer hope.

I give people the chance to know me. I let them see the other side of me, I give them the key to unlock what may seem such an impossible door to open, but before I do so, I only let in the ones who are truly worthy.

I am a kaleidoscope, just when you thought you knew everything about me already. I hope you patiently and carefully see right through me that I am more to what meets the eye, and I do hope you wait and see.